Orgasms are work!

Something I find myself telling clients often is "your orgasm is YOUR own responsibility". Yes, even during intercourse, actually, especially then! Hopefully, you already know that the brain is EVERYONE'S #1 erogenous and that's where the "work" of the orgasm will take place. Aside from using your brain and your genitals (duh) you'll also need good communication. Let your partner know what you like and don't like and do what you need to do to avoid distractions.

Watch this video from the great orgasm guru Dr. Betty Dodson on cumming with partners.

As always, I'm happy to read or respond to comments and questions. Post below!

Life's a garden, dig it

"If you want to be happy for an hour, get drunk. If you want to be happy for a day, get married. If you want to be happy for life, plant a garden."

-old Chinese proverb

Spring is here- the harbinger or rebirth and renewal, promising new life, new love and pleasant times ahead. Spring is beautiful here in Austin with wildflowers blooming and the rocky gray white landscape interrupted with lush greenery. But I especially love the dark, drizzly days with grey skies and light breezes. It's these grey days that strum my heartstrings reminding me of the promise of love and of heartbreak. That exquisite blend of hopefulness and heartache is what has inspired this month's blog.

Too often, when we encounter "love" we unknowingly project onto that person or relationship a promise or expectation of happiness and fulfillment. Little do we realize, we are setting ourselves up for later disappointment. We are seeing only the promises of what we want and not who we are pinning with all our hopes and dreams; and too often fail to see the projections they have placed onto us. Heartbreak inevitably follows. So we go out for a guys night or girls night and wake up the next day with the same heartbreak and now a hangover.

If we are lucky, we successfully navigate this disturbance within the relationship and find a deeper connection albeit with less romanticized ideation.

From this more "real" place a stronger and more durable relationship can take root. Things may seem "better" and indeed the connection between partners is stronger but life together actually gets harder. That seems counter-intuitive but it's true. It's only a fact of life that humans keep growing and changing. The person you say "I do" to may be the person of your dreams but there's no guarantee that she will be the person of your dreams one, two or 20 years later. That's why everyone, EVERYONE who is or has been married is constantly saying how hard marriage is.

Yes, as a married person, I can confirm- marriage is work. I used to hate, (HATE!) hearing this statement from others when I complained about life, marriage, parenting, etc. The thought in my head was always "What the hell? Do you think I'm NOT working at it?! UGH!" I did not say this of course in quite that way, but I did check it out with my mom once and "of course!" she knew I was working at it. That's when I realized that the statement "marriage is work" is just something veterned partners say because they don't know what else to say. 

People who've been married for years are often just as surprised as the rest of the world that they've made it and just as uncertain as to how. The best response to the question of how to stay married for a long time was "just don't get divorced." I appreciate the honesty and simplicity but depending on where you are in your relationship this comment can sound reasonable or Absolutely Crazy.

So maybe you take the advice, maybe you don't. Then springtime comes again and you decide to plant a garden. You realize how exciting, dirty, and difficult it can be and just how satisfying it is to look at mounds of soil YOU toiled. You are not projecting your hopes and dreams onto those seeds though it would be nice to see them grow. And when you planted squash, it's unlikely it will grow into a tomato. In short, you get what you plant. The joy you get from tending your garden is heightened when you get blooms not because of them.

Gradually, you realize what the old Chinese proverb was all about. You wonder how you ever got along without a garden and vow to never live without one again! And then, you fall in love again . . . . This time it's different though. (But really, it's not).

If any or part of this article is familiar to you or see yourself cycling through romance and heartbreak, don't worry. There's a book for that. I highly, HIGHLY recommend How to be An Adult in Relationships by David Richo. In fact, any of his books would be useful. He's my all-time hero on all things Adult. Other titles include: How to be an Adult, Daring to Trust, How to be an Adult in Love and When the Past is Present.

The TalkSex Guide to Intimate Gift Giving 2014

The most wonderful time of year, indeed! My new friend Stephanie at Q Toys kindly helped me sort out the best of the best for this year's gift giving guide. Take a look; there's something for everyone!

1. A sweet, subtle & romantic gift

Gently apply then enjoy removing

Sea grape Honey Dust tops the list this year as my favorite intimate gift idea. From lovely packaging, to a gentle feather application and an appealing, sweet taste, it's romance all wrapped up with a bow. What's more is that it's all natural, containing no artificial flavors or colors or sweeteners. Choose between chocolate or lemon (which personally, I think is better). This year's Top Pick will surely delight anyone who unwraps it this holiday.

2. For the jewelry lover in your life

Crave is the ideal gift. It's a stylish and modern necklace that doubles as a discrete and rather powerful vibrator. It comes in several finishes-rose gold, silver and yellow gold, one will surely fit the style of your special someone.

3. If you want to make some magic this season. . .

Look no further than the tried and true Magic wand! This device offers broad, diffused and powerful vibes that will definitely wake up a dull sex life. It's not so subtle but oh so magical.

Yup, there's an app for that.

4. The perfect gift that is "So us!"

The We-Vibe is a couple's vibe that makes gift-giving just as much fun as receiving. It can be worn handsfree during intercousre, and stimulates both partners. This modern gadget also comes with a wireless remote and Bluetooth app which means fun can be had together across town or across oceans. There's also an app-only model that is more budget-friendly and offers the same power.

5. For accessory lovers and seasoned play pals

Toy Boxes make a lovely gift. This limited item comes in black or cream and features a false bottom for your super secret spice and is complete with a locking device on the outside.

6. Got someone on the naughty list?

To whip it, and whip it good.

A Flogger is better than coal. The selection offered at Q Toys are well made products from cowhide, elk hide, and other fine leathers that offer a satisfying thud sensation. Or select a flogger fashioned with rubber for a more stingy feel. The selection is broad enough to accommodate beginners to advanced players. Prices vary based on quality of craftsmanship.

7. Be a smooth operator

Stuff a stocking with Uberlube. It's a high grade silicone with vitamin E that provides a silky feel, not oily. It can be absorbed through skin and is multipurpose! Uberlube is useful for anti-chafing and hair treatment (frizz-fighting ingredients are almost the same as those in smoothing serums from the salon!) Uberlube makes the list because the holidays can be stressful. This gift says "Honey, I care. Let's relax, make some lovin'. Your hair looks nice today."

8. For your hippie-dippie honey

Southern butter lube, 'nuff said. This lubricant is organically sourced, aloe-based with natural feel and consistency. It's also anti-oxidant, anti-microbial, anti-yeast and from the calendula, yadda yadda yadda . . . so forth and so on that it will make your eyes roll and your hippie dippie honey smile.

Just beat it!

9. For the fella who is hard to buy for?

Actually, I'm not sure who you could give this gift to but it was too cool to leave off the list. It's the Easy Beat masturbation sleeves AKA, strokers. They are sold individually or in a half dozen. Each egg contains a sleeve that is ribbed on the inside with different designs to offer different sensations. You can tell which one is which by the design on the outside and each one can be used a couple of times before tossing out (with proper cleaning). So gift it to your teenage brother? Your long-distance boyfriend? Your recently divorced uncle? I don't know . . .

See it in person, the pic doesn't do it justice!

10. For the man who has everything

He probably doesn't have this: Oxballs Cocksling. This particular 
cockring is comfortable, durable, and provides the tugging sensation that most men love and stays in place. It's made by a company with reputation for quality male toys and makes a great stocking stuffer (te he he). 

Many thanks to Stephanie at Q Toys who was generous with her time and knowledge in contribution to this blog. All items featured can be found at her store Q Toys located at 6800 Burnet Road, Austin, TX 78757.

Check it out y'all and have a safe and happy holiday!

Envy vs. Jealousy

en·vy noun\ˈen-vē\
the feeling of wanting to have what someone else has

jeal·ou·sy noun \ˈje-lə-sē\

an unhappy or angry feeling of wanting to have what someone else has

These words are sometimes used interchangeably to describe a person's feelings or behaviors but from my seat in the therapist's chair the distinction between the two makes a world of difference. "How come?" You may wonder and I say, "because feelings are information."

The word I hear most often is jealous (or jealousy) and is usually used in a "negative" way to describe an experience. In fact, I rarely hear the word envy used at all even though it has a less negatively charged meaning behind it. While the English language may allow for the two words to be used interchangeably there is a subtle difference. When it comes to communicating or learning to communicate more effectively word choice becomes important. So here is my understanding of the difference between the two words and examples of how you can use them to help your listener understand what you really mean.

image from http://www.bytecolumn.com, 24 Aug. 2011

Envy: "I want what you (or someone) else has"

Jealousy: "I want what you have AND I don't want you to have it" or "you having that is threatening to me"

The subtle difference is our internal experience of desire or desire accompanied by fear, pain or threat. Neither feeling is better or worse, in fact they both kind of suck and provide varying degrees of discomfort. Yet, it's normal to experience both emotions throughout our lifetime. If you've ever been a lover, friend, or sibling you've undoubtedly already felt the uneasy, green heat in your core. What's important to keep in mind however is that feelings are just feelings, it's our judgment of them that determines if they are "good" or "bad". Like I said before, feelings are information. So next time, instead of reprimanding yourself or your partner, sister or friend for feeling jealousy or envy, use that info to think about why you (or they) may be feeling that particular way. By using the information of your emotional experience to gain a deeper understanding of yourself and your relationship, you will hopefully be more equipped to help communicate those feelings more clearly.

I hope you've found today's vocabulary lesson helpful. I'd like to to hear from you about your experiences with jealousy or envy. Please add your story in the comments section or share this post with a friend who could benefit from the info! wink*wink*

Top Five Tips to Keep the Romance Alive

I rarely give advice but when I do, I do so in my blog.

As a relationship and sex therapist as well as one half of a marriage, I've found the following five items to be important to keeping the romance going. It's a delicate mix of mystery, adventurousness, laughter and love. I welcome your feedback on this one- please post in the comments!

5 Ways to Keep the Romance Alive

1. Be willing to say yes! Be spontaneous together whether it's your idea or your partners. Try something new like a sport, a restaurant, or just going on a drive or walk. We too often get stuck in a rut on the couch or on our phones and are quick to say "naw" "I'm busy" or "maybe later". Shake it up, reconnect and before you know it you'll be shakin' it up into your golden years.

2. Always be able to recall the last time you cracked up with laughter. If you can't remember then ask your partner! The process of going through your Rolodex of good times is sure to ignite some laughter in the process or inspire you to make some new memories.

3. Maintain some mystery when it comes to bathroom habits. Unless it's part of you kink, going to the bathroom in front of your partner isn't sexy (or funny, if it's farting). It may seem like doing so is a testament to how close the two of you are or comfortable in each other's company. But, let's call it what it is- urinating or defecating in front of your loved one actually chips away at the clear boundaries of healthy differentiation (the opposite of unhealthy codependency). So if you're doing it- stop it, hold it, or demand your privacy. Your partner will thank you for it.

4. Keep bets playful! We all make playful bets with our partners and that's totally fine because it makes life a little more interesting. But no one wants to endure pain or shame just because Run DMC sang "It's Tricky" and not NWA. If you partner isn't willingly to do (anal, rimming, oral or whatever it is you want) having to do said act as a "loser" makes the favor even more unappealing. In case you get stumped the next time your playing pool, here are a few alternatives: coffee in bed for a week, a homemade meal, or loser plays designated driver next time.

5. Give at least one compliment or praise a day. This is really low-balling it, too. John Gottman, leading relationship therapist and researcher says that couples should maintain a 5:1 ratio of compliments to criticisms. If you can get into the habit of acknowledging one nice thing that your partner is or does you'll start to notice more things. Don't be shy- tell your honey he looks good, you like the way her perfume smells or that he's been a real dynamo in the kitchen. You'll lead by example and before you know it you'll be on the receiving end of those kind words and maybe even more, wink wink, nudge nudge!

The Right Way to Apologize

According to Hollywood, "love means never having to say you're sorry." And that's all fine well for Hollywood but in REAL life, love means having to say you're sorry quiet often. So often we say it to our partners and loved ones that half the time we don't mean it or don't even know for what we're apologizing (a nod to the fellas out there as this seems to be an oft-mentioned behavior for them). But I digress...The point I'm trying to make is that we should apologize to each other when our actions or behaviors have caused hurt feelings or damaged something.
I was recently on the giving end of an apology and that situation has caused me to think a lot about what it means to apologize, how I felt before and how I felt after. I've boiled it down to an easy two step process which I will explain.
STEP 1: Say It
"I'm sorry for (fill in your error here)"
This may seem like an obvious step but it is the hardest one to make. In my recent experience I wanted to justify my position and give my reasons that led to hurting the one I love. You may feel like that too but avoid stating your case. What was done has been done and cannot be undone. So just do it already and leave all those reasons out of it. You're apology will be more genuine if you do.
Another thing to remember is that you're not apologizing for the other person's feelings but for YOUR actions. "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry you're upset" are not apologies. If you feel like either of these statements fits the situation then try validating instead of apologizing with something like, "I know this must be hard for you to hear" or "I know that by doing (insert whatever it is you did here) I've hurt your feelings".
Step one should be a nice, tidy statement free of excuses and tangents after which you follow up with step two. You've already done the hard part so the next part should be a breeze!
STEP 2: Fix It.
"How can I make it better?"
Ask how you can repair the situation in order to get back to that comfy, loving and trusting place where we all want to be. Hopefully, the response you get is reasonable and doable and if it isn't ask for it. Things that are doable are things you CAN do in the future like call when you'll be late or ask before making plans (as opposed to un-doable like "don't stay out that late again"). If it's something vague then ask for clarity. Only make promises you can keep.
That's it, you're done and hopefully you're apology was a success! If it wasn't then just keep repeating the process until you get it right. After you've made your apology if your partner is not able to move on by choosing to pout about their hurt feelings or tries to punish you for your mistake then it's time to examine the relationship. How your partner chooses to respond is up to them. You've done what you should and it's time to move forward. That being said, not all liberties,mistakes or indiscretions  can be healed quickly and some are irreparable, like cheating or murder. But I hope you never have to apologize for those. Like with all things practice makes perfect. Lucky for us, we live in the real world where we get the opportunity to apologize all the time.

Boundaries and Intimacy

I often discuss with my clients the importance of boundaries especially when it comes to your closest relationships. Establishing and maintaining boundaries is easy to do in new relationships but can be harder to do in longer relationships like with a parent or sibling. As we move into adulthood or try to establish ourselves more fully as adults with the people around us we must examine our relationships and shore up any holes that others have used to peck away at our self-worth. But that's hard to do without knowing what to look for. I've recently come across a great article on PsychCentral by Margarita Tartakovsky, MS, that outlines how to tell when your boundaries have been broken.

Six Subtle Signs Your Boundaries Are Being Broken:
1.You justify someone's bad behavior.
2.You blame yourself for things going wrong.
3.You feel shame.
4.You start doubting your decision.
5.You sense something is off.
6.Your decision is disregarded.

If you'd like to read the article in its entirety you can by clicking here.