Orgasms are work!

Something I find myself telling clients often is "your orgasm is YOUR own responsibility". Yes, even during intercourse, actually, especially then! Hopefully, you already know that the brain is EVERYONE'S #1 erogenous and that's where the "work" of the orgasm will take place. Aside from using your brain and your genitals (duh) you'll also need good communication. Let your partner know what you like and don't like and do what you need to do to avoid distractions.

Watch this video from the great orgasm guru Dr. Betty Dodson on cumming with partners.

As always, I'm happy to read or respond to comments and questions. Post below!

Life's a garden, dig it

"If you want to be happy for an hour, get drunk. If you want to be happy for a day, get married. If you want to be happy for life, plant a garden."

-old Chinese proverb

Spring is here- the harbinger or rebirth and renewal, promising new life, new love and pleasant times ahead. Spring is beautiful here in Austin with wildflowers blooming and the rocky gray white landscape interrupted with lush greenery. But I especially love the dark, drizzly days with grey skies and light breezes. It's these grey days that strum my heartstrings reminding me of the promise of love and of heartbreak. That exquisite blend of hopefulness and heartache is what has inspired this month's blog.

Too often, when we encounter "love" we unknowingly project onto that person or relationship a promise or expectation of happiness and fulfillment. Little do we realize, we are setting ourselves up for later disappointment. We are seeing only the promises of what we want and not who we are pinning with all our hopes and dreams; and too often fail to see the projections they have placed onto us. Heartbreak inevitably follows. So we go out for a guys night or girls night and wake up the next day with the same heartbreak and now a hangover.

If we are lucky, we successfully navigate this disturbance within the relationship and find a deeper connection albeit with less romanticized ideation.

From this more "real" place a stronger and more durable relationship can take root. Things may seem "better" and indeed the connection between partners is stronger but life together actually gets harder. That seems counter-intuitive but it's true. It's only a fact of life that humans keep growing and changing. The person you say "I do" to may be the person of your dreams but there's no guarantee that she will be the person of your dreams one, two or 20 years later. That's why everyone, EVERYONE who is or has been married is constantly saying how hard marriage is.

Yes, as a married person, I can confirm- marriage is work. I used to hate, (HATE!) hearing this statement from others when I complained about life, marriage, parenting, etc. The thought in my head was always "What the hell? Do you think I'm NOT working at it?! UGH!" I did not say this of course in quite that way, but I did check it out with my mom once and "of course!" she knew I was working at it. That's when I realized that the statement "marriage is work" is just something veterned partners say because they don't know what else to say. 

People who've been married for years are often just as surprised as the rest of the world that they've made it and just as uncertain as to how. The best response to the question of how to stay married for a long time was "just don't get divorced." I appreciate the honesty and simplicity but depending on where you are in your relationship this comment can sound reasonable or Absolutely Crazy.

So maybe you take the advice, maybe you don't. Then springtime comes again and you decide to plant a garden. You realize how exciting, dirty, and difficult it can be and just how satisfying it is to look at mounds of soil YOU toiled. You are not projecting your hopes and dreams onto those seeds though it would be nice to see them grow. And when you planted squash, it's unlikely it will grow into a tomato. In short, you get what you plant. The joy you get from tending your garden is heightened when you get blooms not because of them.

Gradually, you realize what the old Chinese proverb was all about. You wonder how you ever got along without a garden and vow to never live without one again! And then, you fall in love again . . . . This time it's different though. (But really, it's not).

If any or part of this article is familiar to you or see yourself cycling through romance and heartbreak, don't worry. There's a book for that. I highly, HIGHLY recommend How to be An Adult in Relationships by David Richo. In fact, any of his books would be useful. He's my all-time hero on all things Adult. Other titles include: How to be an Adult, Daring to Trust, How to be an Adult in Love and When the Past is Present.

Envy vs. Jealousy

en·vy noun\ˈen-vē\
the feeling of wanting to have what someone else has

jeal·ou·sy noun \ˈje-lə-sē\

an unhappy or angry feeling of wanting to have what someone else has

These words are sometimes used interchangeably to describe a person's feelings or behaviors but from my seat in the therapist's chair the distinction between the two makes a world of difference. "How come?" You may wonder and I say, "because feelings are information."

The word I hear most often is jealous (or jealousy) and is usually used in a "negative" way to describe an experience. In fact, I rarely hear the word envy used at all even though it has a less negatively charged meaning behind it. While the English language may allow for the two words to be used interchangeably there is a subtle difference. When it comes to communicating or learning to communicate more effectively word choice becomes important. So here is my understanding of the difference between the two words and examples of how you can use them to help your listener understand what you really mean.

image from http://www.bytecolumn.com, 24 Aug. 2011

Envy: "I want what you (or someone) else has"

Jealousy: "I want what you have AND I don't want you to have it" or "you having that is threatening to me"

The subtle difference is our internal experience of desire or desire accompanied by fear, pain or threat. Neither feeling is better or worse, in fact they both kind of suck and provide varying degrees of discomfort. Yet, it's normal to experience both emotions throughout our lifetime. If you've ever been a lover, friend, or sibling you've undoubtedly already felt the uneasy, green heat in your core. What's important to keep in mind however is that feelings are just feelings, it's our judgment of them that determines if they are "good" or "bad". Like I said before, feelings are information. So next time, instead of reprimanding yourself or your partner, sister or friend for feeling jealousy or envy, use that info to think about why you (or they) may be feeling that particular way. By using the information of your emotional experience to gain a deeper understanding of yourself and your relationship, you will hopefully be more equipped to help communicate those feelings more clearly.

I hope you've found today's vocabulary lesson helpful. I'd like to to hear from you about your experiences with jealousy or envy. Please add your story in the comments section or share this post with a friend who could benefit from the info! wink*wink*

Meet Mr. Wanderful

Robin Williams (1951-2014) Image sourced from funnyjunk.com

Raised eyebrows and "ooohs" of interest is the typical response I get when I tell people that I am a sex therapist. Many assume I talk just about the birds and bees all day long but here's the truth: sex, sexuality and sexual disfunction are merely entry points into a client's deeper issues. Our bodies never forget what we've been through and it's often our bodies through which we discover that all is not well in our minds. For instance, addressing erectile disfunction may mean working through unresolved issues of shame or guilt that have led to depression (and erectile difficulties). So while I do help my clients improve their life by addressing sex and sexuality it is my training in mental health that has enables me to do so.
Mental health awareness was heightened a few weeks ago due to the suicide of the beloved Robin Williams. His tragic death and the fleeting spotlight on this disease that so many suffer has led me to take action. So without further adieu, meet Mr. Wanderful.
"He" is my NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) team- a league of walkers who are raising money and take a 5k stroll through Austin in order to bring more awareness to the issue of mental health. And even though I'm not quite sure how walking and raising money go together, I plan to do both in the name of awareness.
My goal is to raise $500 and your donation would be greatly appreciated. Whatever you can give helps! Do it in the name of a loved one who suffers from mental illness, for Robin, for awareness or because you just plain want to.
Donate here.
The walk is Saturday, Sept. 27th. Look for a post with pics from the event shortly thereafter!

"Not all those who wander are lost" J. R. R.Tolkien

What is normal?

So "what is normal?"

"Am I normal?"

These are questions I often hear from clients usually regarding sex practices or the expectations of partners. Because of the vast accessibility of porn and the lack of real information regarding "regular people" sex practices there are a lot of misconceptions about what should be happening between the sheets. Thanks to those cheeky Brits though there is a YouTube video that clears some things up. But if you find yourself still wondering if a certain event, behavior or thing should or should not be happening, please contact me. I'd be happy to help you figure that out.

Enjoy!

The Right Way to Apologize

According to Hollywood, "love means never having to say you're sorry." And that's all fine well for Hollywood but in REAL life, love means having to say you're sorry quiet often. So often we say it to our partners and loved ones that half the time we don't mean it or don't even know for what we're apologizing (a nod to the fellas out there as this seems to be an oft-mentioned behavior for them). But I digress...The point I'm trying to make is that we should apologize to each other when our actions or behaviors have caused hurt feelings or damaged something.
I was recently on the giving end of an apology and that situation has caused me to think a lot about what it means to apologize, how I felt before and how I felt after. I've boiled it down to an easy two step process which I will explain.
STEP 1: Say It
"I'm sorry for (fill in your error here)"
This may seem like an obvious step but it is the hardest one to make. In my recent experience I wanted to justify my position and give my reasons that led to hurting the one I love. You may feel like that too but avoid stating your case. What was done has been done and cannot be undone. So just do it already and leave all those reasons out of it. You're apology will be more genuine if you do.
Another thing to remember is that you're not apologizing for the other person's feelings but for YOUR actions. "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry you're upset" are not apologies. If you feel like either of these statements fits the situation then try validating instead of apologizing with something like, "I know this must be hard for you to hear" or "I know that by doing (insert whatever it is you did here) I've hurt your feelings".
Step one should be a nice, tidy statement free of excuses and tangents after which you follow up with step two. You've already done the hard part so the next part should be a breeze!
STEP 2: Fix It.
"How can I make it better?"
Ask how you can repair the situation in order to get back to that comfy, loving and trusting place where we all want to be. Hopefully, the response you get is reasonable and doable and if it isn't ask for it. Things that are doable are things you CAN do in the future like call when you'll be late or ask before making plans (as opposed to un-doable like "don't stay out that late again"). If it's something vague then ask for clarity. Only make promises you can keep.
That's it, you're done and hopefully you're apology was a success! If it wasn't then just keep repeating the process until you get it right. After you've made your apology if your partner is not able to move on by choosing to pout about their hurt feelings or tries to punish you for your mistake then it's time to examine the relationship. How your partner chooses to respond is up to them. You've done what you should and it's time to move forward. That being said, not all liberties,mistakes or indiscretions  can be healed quickly and some are irreparable, like cheating or murder. But I hope you never have to apologize for those. Like with all things practice makes perfect. Lucky for us, we live in the real world where we get the opportunity to apologize all the time.