Life's a garden, dig it

"If you want to be happy for an hour, get drunk. If you want to be happy for a day, get married. If you want to be happy for life, plant a garden."

-old Chinese proverb

Spring is here- the harbinger or rebirth and renewal, promising new life, new love and pleasant times ahead. Spring is beautiful here in Austin with wildflowers blooming and the rocky gray white landscape interrupted with lush greenery. But I especially love the dark, drizzly days with grey skies and light breezes. It's these grey days that strum my heartstrings reminding me of the promise of love and of heartbreak. That exquisite blend of hopefulness and heartache is what has inspired this month's blog.

Too often, when we encounter "love" we unknowingly project onto that person or relationship a promise or expectation of happiness and fulfillment. Little do we realize, we are setting ourselves up for later disappointment. We are seeing only the promises of what we want and not who we are pinning with all our hopes and dreams; and too often fail to see the projections they have placed onto us. Heartbreak inevitably follows. So we go out for a guys night or girls night and wake up the next day with the same heartbreak and now a hangover.

If we are lucky, we successfully navigate this disturbance within the relationship and find a deeper connection albeit with less romanticized ideation.

From this more "real" place a stronger and more durable relationship can take root. Things may seem "better" and indeed the connection between partners is stronger but life together actually gets harder. That seems counter-intuitive but it's true. It's only a fact of life that humans keep growing and changing. The person you say "I do" to may be the person of your dreams but there's no guarantee that she will be the person of your dreams one, two or 20 years later. That's why everyone, EVERYONE who is or has been married is constantly saying how hard marriage is.

Yes, as a married person, I can confirm- marriage is work. I used to hate, (HATE!) hearing this statement from others when I complained about life, marriage, parenting, etc. The thought in my head was always "What the hell? Do you think I'm NOT working at it?! UGH!" I did not say this of course in quite that way, but I did check it out with my mom once and "of course!" she knew I was working at it. That's when I realized that the statement "marriage is work" is just something veterned partners say because they don't know what else to say. 

People who've been married for years are often just as surprised as the rest of the world that they've made it and just as uncertain as to how. The best response to the question of how to stay married for a long time was "just don't get divorced." I appreciate the honesty and simplicity but depending on where you are in your relationship this comment can sound reasonable or Absolutely Crazy.

So maybe you take the advice, maybe you don't. Then springtime comes again and you decide to plant a garden. You realize how exciting, dirty, and difficult it can be and just how satisfying it is to look at mounds of soil YOU toiled. You are not projecting your hopes and dreams onto those seeds though it would be nice to see them grow. And when you planted squash, it's unlikely it will grow into a tomato. In short, you get what you plant. The joy you get from tending your garden is heightened when you get blooms not because of them.

Gradually, you realize what the old Chinese proverb was all about. You wonder how you ever got along without a garden and vow to never live without one again! And then, you fall in love again . . . . This time it's different though. (But really, it's not).

If any or part of this article is familiar to you or see yourself cycling through romance and heartbreak, don't worry. There's a book for that. I highly, HIGHLY recommend How to be An Adult in Relationships by David Richo. In fact, any of his books would be useful. He's my all-time hero on all things Adult. Other titles include: How to be an Adult, Daring to Trust, How to be an Adult in Love and When the Past is Present.

Envy vs. Jealousy

en·vy noun\ˈen-vē\
the feeling of wanting to have what someone else has

jeal·ou·sy noun \ˈje-lə-sē\

an unhappy or angry feeling of wanting to have what someone else has

These words are sometimes used interchangeably to describe a person's feelings or behaviors but from my seat in the therapist's chair the distinction between the two makes a world of difference. "How come?" You may wonder and I say, "because feelings are information."

The word I hear most often is jealous (or jealousy) and is usually used in a "negative" way to describe an experience. In fact, I rarely hear the word envy used at all even though it has a less negatively charged meaning behind it. While the English language may allow for the two words to be used interchangeably there is a subtle difference. When it comes to communicating or learning to communicate more effectively word choice becomes important. So here is my understanding of the difference between the two words and examples of how you can use them to help your listener understand what you really mean.

image from http://www.bytecolumn.com, 24 Aug. 2011

Envy: "I want what you (or someone) else has"

Jealousy: "I want what you have AND I don't want you to have it" or "you having that is threatening to me"

The subtle difference is our internal experience of desire or desire accompanied by fear, pain or threat. Neither feeling is better or worse, in fact they both kind of suck and provide varying degrees of discomfort. Yet, it's normal to experience both emotions throughout our lifetime. If you've ever been a lover, friend, or sibling you've undoubtedly already felt the uneasy, green heat in your core. What's important to keep in mind however is that feelings are just feelings, it's our judgment of them that determines if they are "good" or "bad". Like I said before, feelings are information. So next time, instead of reprimanding yourself or your partner, sister or friend for feeling jealousy or envy, use that info to think about why you (or they) may be feeling that particular way. By using the information of your emotional experience to gain a deeper understanding of yourself and your relationship, you will hopefully be more equipped to help communicate those feelings more clearly.

I hope you've found today's vocabulary lesson helpful. I'd like to to hear from you about your experiences with jealousy or envy. Please add your story in the comments section or share this post with a friend who could benefit from the info! wink*wink*