Something I find myself telling clients often is "your orgasm is YOUR own responsibility". Yes, even during intercourse, actually, especially then! Hopefully, you already know that the brain is EVERYONE'S #1 erogenous and that's where the "work" of the orgasm will take place. Aside from using your brain and your genitals (duh) you'll also need good communication. Let your partner know what you like and don't like and do what you need to do to avoid distractions.
Watch this video from the great orgasm guru Dr. Betty Dodson on cumming with partners.
As always, I'm happy to read or respond to comments and questions. Post below!
Porn is fun! (If you're into that sort of thing.) But sometimes. . . .it can be a dark horse that leads you into a full-blown porn addiction, which we sex-positive experts call problematic sexual behavior. This is when a person (likely a male but not always) watches so much porn that it's having an impact on other aspects of his life like his job, relationship and wallet. (PSB also includes other behaviors not limited to just porn). This individual then begins to relate to their porn behavior much like alcoholics or addicts through minimizing, denial, and belief that they can stop. Sadly, something has to happen for this person to take a serious look at their behavior and consider or commit to stopping.
This is a fairly new phenomena thanks to the Internet. Having unlimited dynamic (moving) images rather than the still photos in dirty magazines of yore, right at one's fingertips is NEW to humans and yes, it affects the brain. Instead of trying to explain it myself I direct you to this easy to understand video that helped me make sense of the human brain on porn care of asapSCIENCE.
Did you know that the human brain isn't completely done developing until the age of about 25? It's true according to Dan Siegel, MD, PhD (The Neurobiology of We). This means that online pornography is even more dangerous to teens and young adults whose brains are still growing. Filtering websites for content and monitoring a kid's Internet use is wise and important to do until they reach adulthood and can monitor themselves responsibly.
If this video describes you then give me a call. If it describes someone you care about encourage them to give a call, but understand that the person must be ready to make the change. Addressing any problematic sexual behavior often leads to exploring underlying causes that led to porn (or whatever PSB a person is doing) to escape from life momentarily or deal with stress.
Just like so many other things, pornography requires responsible use. It can be a fun and novel way to spice up your sexlife on occasion or it can be a shameful secret that leads to suffering. There is so much out there and so many opinions on the matter that it's hard to be "pro" or "anti" porn so educate and take inventory of yourself and your relationship with porn.
For the smarties out there, check out this TEDx Talk by Gary Wilson. He goes more in depth into research and the struggles that science faces in trying to research pornography and the brain.
If you're interested in slowing down your porn habit check out "no-fapping" blogs and videos. "Fapping" is the British term for masturbation and is used in the No Fap movement circling the Internet.
en·vy noun\ˈen-vē\ the feeling of wanting to have what someone else has
jeal·ou·sy noun\ˈje-lə-sē\
an unhappy or angry feeling of wanting to have what someone else has
These words are sometimes used interchangeably to describe a person's feelings or behaviors but from my seat in the therapist's chair the distinction between the two makes a world of difference. "How come?" You may wonder and I say, "because feelings are information."
The word I hear most often is jealous (or jealousy) and is usually used in a "negative" way to describe an experience. In fact, I rarely hear the word envy used at all even though it has a less negatively charged meaning behind it. While the English language may allow for the two words to be used interchangeably there is a subtle difference. When it comes to communicating or learning to communicate more effectively word choice becomes important. So here is my understanding of the difference between the two words and examples of how you can use them to help your listener understand what you really mean.
image from http://www.bytecolumn.com, 24 Aug. 2011
Envy: "I want what you (or someone) else has"
Jealousy: "I want what you have AND I don't want you to have it" or "you having that is threatening to me"
The subtle difference is our internal experience of desire or desire accompanied by fear, pain or threat. Neither feeling is better or worse, in fact they both kind of suck and provide varying degrees of discomfort. Yet, it's normal to experience both emotions throughout our lifetime. If you've ever been a lover, friend, or sibling you've undoubtedly already felt the uneasy, green heat in your core. What's important to keep in mind however is that feelings are just feelings, it's our judgment of them that determines if they are "good" or "bad". Like I said before, feelings are information. So next time, instead of reprimanding yourself or your partner, sister or friend for feeling jealousy or envy, use that info to think about why you (or they) may be feeling that particular way. By using the information of your emotional experience to gain a deeper understanding of yourself and your relationship, you will hopefully be more equipped to help communicate those feelings more clearly.
I hope you've found today's vocabulary lesson helpful. I'd like to to hear from you about your experiences with jealousy or envy. Please add your story in the comments section or share this post with a friend who could benefit from the info! wink*wink*
Robin Williams (1951-2014) Image sourced from funnyjunk.com
Raised eyebrows and "ooohs" of interest is the typical response I get when I tell people that I am a sex therapist. Many assume I talk just about the birds and bees all day long but here's the truth: sex, sexuality and sexual disfunction are merely entry points into a client's deeper issues. Our bodies never forget what we've been through and it's often our bodies through which we discover that all is not well in our minds. For instance, addressing erectile disfunction may mean working through unresolved issues of shame or guilt that have led to depression (and erectile difficulties). So while I do help my clients improve their life by addressing sex and sexuality it is my training in mental health that has enables me to do so. Mental health awareness was heightened a few weeks ago due to the suicide of the beloved Robin Williams. His tragic death and the fleeting spotlight on this disease that so many suffer has led me to take action. So without further adieu, meet Mr. Wanderful. "He" is my NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) team- a league of walkers who are raising money and take a 5k stroll through Austin in order to bring more awareness to the issue of mental health. And even though I'm not quite sure how walking and raising money go together, I plan to do both in the name of awareness. My goal is to raise $500 and your donation would be greatly appreciated. Whatever you can give helps! Do it in the name of a loved one who suffers from mental illness, for Robin, for awareness or because you just plain want to. Donate here. The walk is Saturday, Sept. 27th. Look for a post with pics from the event shortly thereafter!
"Not all those who wander are lost" J. R. R.Tolkien
"I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address" (a quote from You've Got Mail)
It's the most wonderful time of year for parents- back to school time! Whether you stay at home or work all day, it's time again to have eight worry-free hours while the kiddos are at school. You get your home back, your routine back and perhaps a little bit of your sanity while those little joys are away at school, sports, etc. There is no doubt that during the summer months having kids at home of any age can be a real buzz kill for romance. Perhaps you and your partner found ways to connect during the chaos of kiddos in summertime but if you're like most- you probably let the lovin' fall by the wayside. That's okay. It's normal. It happens.
If this is you, then you're probably getting ready to face the awkwardness of reconnecting physically after your summer dry-spell. Here are a few tips to make re-igniting that flame go smoothly.
1. Address the issue as adults. Pick a time when you're in a neutral to good mood and on neutral turf. Let your partner know that you've noticed it's been a while and now it's time to do something about it. That looks something like this: "Hey honey, I realize it's been a while since we've been intimate. Let's try to reconnect soon."
2. Make reconnecting a priority by making a plan together. Schedule a time when the two of you can be comfortable and not rushed and decided what you'll do (shower or bathing together or reading erotica aloud while the other gives a foot rub are a couple of suggestions). Depending on what you choose to do you may only need 15 minutes of uninterrupted time.
3. Focus on sensuality not intercourse. When the time comes and the two of you are together focus on touching and feeling each other either through whole palm caresses, playing with pressure of rubs, and kissing. If the awkwardness between the two of you is high, you might want to try just touching and rubbing over the clothes before moving to bare skin or genital areas.
4. Be appreciative. Let your partner know that you are grateful for them and are happy to be able to share this part of life with him or her.
5. Repeat as often as desired! If your activity leads to sex the first time- great! But keep in mind that this is about moving through the uncomfortableness of going without passionate touch for an extended period of time and learning to interact again sexually and sensually. Be mindful that this may take a couple of times before you or your partner is ready for sex.
I'd love to know what creative activities you and your partner come up with! Feel free to post in the comments below. And as always, if trying this out leads to hurt feelings, or fights please consider counseling to help resolve your issues before things get out of hand.
These are questions I often hear from clients usually regarding sex practices or the expectations of partners. Because of the vast accessibility of porn and the lack of real information regarding "regular people" sex practices there are a lot of misconceptions about what should be happening between the sheets. Thanks to those cheeky Brits though there is a YouTube video that clears some things up. But if you find yourself still wondering if a certain event, behavior or thing should or should not be happening, please contact me. I'd be happy to help you figure that out.
According to Hollywood, "love means never having to say you're sorry." And that's all fine well for Hollywood but in REAL life, love means having to say you're sorry quiet often. So often we say it to our partners and loved ones that half the time we don't mean it or don't even know for what we're apologizing (a nod to the fellas out there as this seems to be an oft-mentioned behavior for them). But I digress...The point I'm trying to make is that we should apologize to each other when our actions or behaviors have caused hurt feelings or damaged something.
I was recently on the giving end of an apology and that situation has caused me to think a lot about what it means to apologize, how I felt before and how I felt after. I've boiled it down to an easy two step process which I will explain.
STEP 1: Say It
"I'm sorry for (fill in your error here)"
This may seem like an obvious step but it is the hardest one to make. In my recent experience I wanted to justify my position and give my reasons that led to hurting the one I love. You may feel like that too but avoid stating your case. What was done has been done and cannot be undone. So just do it already and leave all those reasons out of it. You're apology will be more genuine if you do.
Another thing to remember is that you're not apologizing for the other person's feelings but for YOUR actions. "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry you're upset" are not apologies. If you feel like either of these statements fits the situation then try validating instead of apologizing with something like, "I know this must be hard for you to hear" or "I know that by doing (insert whatever it is you did here) I've hurt your feelings".
Step one should be a nice, tidy statement free of excuses and tangents after which you follow up with step two. You've already done the hard part so the next part should be a breeze!
STEP 2: Fix It.
"How can I make it better?"
Ask how you can repair the situation in order to get back to that comfy, loving and trusting place where we all want to be. Hopefully, the response you get is reasonable and doable and if it isn't ask for it. Things that are doable are things you CAN do in the future like call when you'll be late or ask before making plans (as opposed to un-doable like "don't stay out that late again"). If it's something vague then ask for clarity. Only make promises you can keep.
That's it, you're done and hopefully you're apology was a success! If it wasn't then just keep repeating the process until you get it right. After you've made your apology if your partner is not able to move on by choosing to pout about their hurt feelings or tries to punish you for your mistake then it's time to examine the relationship. How your partner chooses to respond is up to them. You've done what you should and it's time to move forward. That being said, not all liberties,mistakes or indiscretions can be healed quickly and some are irreparable, like cheating or murder. But I hope you never have to apologize for those. Like with all things practice makes perfect. Lucky for us, we live in the real world where we get the opportunity to apologize all the time.
