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TalkSex Therapy

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Orgasms are work!

Something I find myself telling clients often is "your orgasm is YOUR own responsibility". Yes, even during intercourse, actually, especially then! Hopefully, you already know that the brain is EVERYONE'S #1 erogenous and that's where the "work" of the orgasm will take place. Aside from using your brain and your genitals (duh) you'll also need good communication. Let your partner know what you like and don't like and do what you need to do to avoid distractions.

Watch this video from the great orgasm guru Dr. Betty Dodson on cumming with partners.

As always, I'm happy to read or respond to comments and questions. Post below!

Life's a garden, dig it

"If you want to be happy for an hour, get drunk. If you want to be happy for a day, get married. If you want to be happy for life, plant a garden."

-old Chinese proverb

Spring is here- the harbinger or rebirth and renewal, promising new life, new love and pleasant times ahead. Spring is beautiful here in Austin with wildflowers blooming and the rocky gray white landscape interrupted with lush greenery. But I especially love the dark, drizzly days with grey skies and light breezes. It's these grey days that strum my heartstrings reminding me of the promise of love and of heartbreak. That exquisite blend of hopefulness and heartache is what has inspired this month's blog.

Too often, when we encounter "love" we unknowingly project onto that person or relationship a promise or expectation of happiness and fulfillment. Little do we realize, we are setting ourselves up for later disappointment. We are seeing only the promises of what we want and not who we are pinning with all our hopes and dreams; and too often fail to see the projections they have placed onto us. Heartbreak inevitably follows. So we go out for a guys night or girls night and wake up the next day with the same heartbreak and now a hangover.

If we are lucky, we successfully navigate this disturbance within the relationship and find a deeper connection albeit with less romanticized ideation.

From this more "real" place a stronger and more durable relationship can take root. Things may seem "better" and indeed the connection between partners is stronger but life together actually gets harder. That seems counter-intuitive but it's true. It's only a fact of life that humans keep growing and changing. The person you say "I do" to may be the person of your dreams but there's no guarantee that she will be the person of your dreams one, two or 20 years later. That's why everyone, EVERYONE who is or has been married is constantly saying how hard marriage is.

Yes, as a married person, I can confirm- marriage is work. I used to hate, (HATE!) hearing this statement from others when I complained about life, marriage, parenting, etc. The thought in my head was always "What the hell? Do you think I'm NOT working at it?! UGH!" I did not say this of course in quite that way, but I did check it out with my mom once and "of course!" she knew I was working at it. That's when I realized that the statement "marriage is work" is just something veterned partners say because they don't know what else to say. 

People who've been married for years are often just as surprised as the rest of the world that they've made it and just as uncertain as to how. The best response to the question of how to stay married for a long time was "just don't get divorced." I appreciate the honesty and simplicity but depending on where you are in your relationship this comment can sound reasonable or Absolutely Crazy.

So maybe you take the advice, maybe you don't. Then springtime comes again and you decide to plant a garden. You realize how exciting, dirty, and difficult it can be and just how satisfying it is to look at mounds of soil YOU toiled. You are not projecting your hopes and dreams onto those seeds though it would be nice to see them grow. And when you planted squash, it's unlikely it will grow into a tomato. In short, you get what you plant. The joy you get from tending your garden is heightened when you get blooms not because of them.

Gradually, you realize what the old Chinese proverb was all about. You wonder how you ever got along without a garden and vow to never live without one again! And then, you fall in love again . . . . This time it's different though. (But really, it's not).

If any or part of this article is familiar to you or see yourself cycling through romance and heartbreak, don't worry. There's a book for that. I highly, HIGHLY recommend How to be An Adult in Relationships by David Richo. In fact, any of his books would be useful. He's my all-time hero on all things Adult. Other titles include: How to be an Adult, Daring to Trust, How to be an Adult in Love and When the Past is Present.

The TalkSex Guide to Intimate Gift Giving 2014

The most wonderful time of year, indeed! My new friend Stephanie at Q Toys kindly helped me sort out the best of the best for this year's gift giving guide. Take a look; there's something for everyone!

1. A sweet, subtle & romantic gift

Gently apply then enjoy removing

Sea grape Honey Dust tops the list this year as my favorite intimate gift idea. From lovely packaging, to a gentle feather application and an appealing, sweet taste, it's romance all wrapped up with a bow. What's more is that it's all natural, containing no artificial flavors or colors or sweeteners. Choose between chocolate or lemon (which personally, I think is better). This year's Top Pick will surely delight anyone who unwraps it this holiday.

2. For the jewelry lover in your life

Crave is the ideal gift. It's a stylish and modern necklace that doubles as a discrete and rather powerful vibrator. It comes in several finishes-rose gold, silver and yellow gold, one will surely fit the style of your special someone.

3. If you want to make some magic this season. . .

Look no further than the tried and true Magic wand! This device offers broad, diffused and powerful vibes that will definitely wake up a dull sex life. It's not so subtle but oh so magical.

Yup, there's an app for that.

4. The perfect gift that is "So us!"

The We-Vibe is a couple's vibe that makes gift-giving just as much fun as receiving. It can be worn handsfree during intercousre, and stimulates both partners. This modern gadget also comes with a wireless remote and Bluetooth app which means fun can be had together across town or across oceans. There's also an app-only model that is more budget-friendly and offers the same power.

5. For accessory lovers and seasoned play pals

Toy Boxes make a lovely gift. This limited item comes in black or cream and features a false bottom for your super secret spice and is complete with a locking device on the outside.

6. Got someone on the naughty list?

To whip it, and whip it good.

A Flogger is better than coal. The selection offered at Q Toys are well made products from cowhide, elk hide, and other fine leathers that offer a satisfying thud sensation. Or select a flogger fashioned with rubber for a more stingy feel. The selection is broad enough to accommodate beginners to advanced players. Prices vary based on quality of craftsmanship.

7. Be a smooth operator

Stuff a stocking with Uberlube. It's a high grade silicone with vitamin E that provides a silky feel, not oily. It can be absorbed through skin and is multipurpose! Uberlube is useful for anti-chafing and hair treatment (frizz-fighting ingredients are almost the same as those in smoothing serums from the salon!) Uberlube makes the list because the holidays can be stressful. This gift says "Honey, I care. Let's relax, make some lovin'. Your hair looks nice today."

8. For your hippie-dippie honey

Southern butter lube, 'nuff said. This lubricant is organically sourced, aloe-based with natural feel and consistency. It's also anti-oxidant, anti-microbial, anti-yeast and from the calendula, yadda yadda yadda . . . so forth and so on that it will make your eyes roll and your hippie dippie honey smile.

Just beat it!

9. For the fella who is hard to buy for?

Actually, I'm not sure who you could give this gift to but it was too cool to leave off the list. It's the Easy Beat masturbation sleeves AKA, strokers. They are sold individually or in a half dozen. Each egg contains a sleeve that is ribbed on the inside with different designs to offer different sensations. You can tell which one is which by the design on the outside and each one can be used a couple of times before tossing out (with proper cleaning). So gift it to your teenage brother? Your long-distance boyfriend? Your recently divorced uncle? I don't know . . .

See it in person, the pic doesn't do it justice!

10. For the man who has everything

He probably doesn't have this: Oxballs Cocksling. This particular 
cockring is comfortable, durable, and provides the tugging sensation that most men love and stays in place. It's made by a company with reputation for quality male toys and makes a great stocking stuffer (te he he). 

Many thanks to Stephanie at Q Toys who was generous with her time and knowledge in contribution to this blog. All items featured can be found at her store Q Toys located at 6800 Burnet Road, Austin, TX 78757.

Check it out y'all and have a safe and happy holiday!

The pornicopia and why too much of a good thing can be bad

Porn is fun! (If you're into that sort of thing.) But sometimes. . . .it can be a dark horse that leads you into a full-blown porn addiction, which we sex-positive experts call problematic sexual behavior. This is when a person (likely a male but not always) watches so much porn that it's having an impact on other aspects of his life like his job, relationship and wallet. (PSB also includes other behaviors not limited to just porn). This individual then begins to relate to their porn behavior much like alcoholics or addicts through minimizing, denial, and belief that they can stop. Sadly, something has to happen for this person to take a serious look at their behavior and consider or commit to stopping.
This is a fairly new phenomena thanks to the Internet. Having unlimited dynamic (moving) images rather than the still photos in dirty magazines of yore, right at one's fingertips is NEW to humans and yes, it affects the brain. Instead of trying to explain it myself I direct you to this easy to understand video that helped me make sense of the human brain on porn care of asapSCIENCE.

Did you know that the human brain isn't completely done developing until the age of about 25? It's true according to Dan Siegel, MD, PhD (The Neurobiology of We). This means that online pornography is even more dangerous to teens and young adults whose brains are still growing. Filtering websites for content and monitoring a kid's Internet use is wise and important to do until they reach adulthood and can monitor themselves responsibly.
If this video describes you then give me a call. If it describes someone you care about encourage them to give a call, but understand that the person must be ready to make the change. Addressing any problematic sexual behavior often leads to exploring underlying causes that led to porn (or whatever PSB a person is doing) to escape from life momentarily or deal with stress.
Just like so many other things, pornography requires responsible use. It can be a fun and novel way to spice up your sexlife on occasion or it can be a shameful secret that leads to suffering. There is so much out there and so many opinions on the matter that it's hard to be "pro" or "anti" porn so educate and take inventory of yourself and your relationship with porn.

For the smarties out there, check out this TEDx Talk by Gary Wilson. He goes more in depth into research and the struggles that science faces in trying to research pornography and the brain.

If you're interested in slowing down your porn habit check out "no-fapping" blogs and videos. "Fapping" is the British term for masturbation and is used in the No Fap movement circling the Internet.

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.

Envy vs. Jealousy

en·vy noun\ˈen-vē\
the feeling of wanting to have what someone else has

jeal·ou·sy noun \ˈje-lə-sē\

an unhappy or angry feeling of wanting to have what someone else has

These words are sometimes used interchangeably to describe a person's feelings or behaviors but from my seat in the therapist's chair the distinction between the two makes a world of difference. "How come?" You may wonder and I say, "because feelings are information."

The word I hear most often is jealous (or jealousy) and is usually used in a "negative" way to describe an experience. In fact, I rarely hear the word envy used at all even though it has a less negatively charged meaning behind it. While the English language may allow for the two words to be used interchangeably there is a subtle difference. When it comes to communicating or learning to communicate more effectively word choice becomes important. So here is my understanding of the difference between the two words and examples of how you can use them to help your listener understand what you really mean.

image from http://www.bytecolumn.com, 24 Aug. 2011

Envy: "I want what you (or someone) else has"

Jealousy: "I want what you have AND I don't want you to have it" or "you having that is threatening to me"

The subtle difference is our internal experience of desire or desire accompanied by fear, pain or threat. Neither feeling is better or worse, in fact they both kind of suck and provide varying degrees of discomfort. Yet, it's normal to experience both emotions throughout our lifetime. If you've ever been a lover, friend, or sibling you've undoubtedly already felt the uneasy, green heat in your core. What's important to keep in mind however is that feelings are just feelings, it's our judgment of them that determines if they are "good" or "bad". Like I said before, feelings are information. So next time, instead of reprimanding yourself or your partner, sister or friend for feeling jealousy or envy, use that info to think about why you (or they) may be feeling that particular way. By using the information of your emotional experience to gain a deeper understanding of yourself and your relationship, you will hopefully be more equipped to help communicate those feelings more clearly.

I hope you've found today's vocabulary lesson helpful. I'd like to to hear from you about your experiences with jealousy or envy. Please add your story in the comments section or share this post with a friend who could benefit from the info! wink*wink*

Meet Mr. Wanderful

Robin Williams (1951-2014) Image sourced from funnyjunk.com

Raised eyebrows and "ooohs" of interest is the typical response I get when I tell people that I am a sex therapist. Many assume I talk just about the birds and bees all day long but here's the truth: sex, sexuality and sexual disfunction are merely entry points into a client's deeper issues. Our bodies never forget what we've been through and it's often our bodies through which we discover that all is not well in our minds. For instance, addressing erectile disfunction may mean working through unresolved issues of shame or guilt that have led to depression (and erectile difficulties). So while I do help my clients improve their life by addressing sex and sexuality it is my training in mental health that has enables me to do so.
Mental health awareness was heightened a few weeks ago due to the suicide of the beloved Robin Williams. His tragic death and the fleeting spotlight on this disease that so many suffer has led me to take action. So without further adieu, meet Mr. Wanderful.
"He" is my NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) team- a league of walkers who are raising money and take a 5k stroll through Austin in order to bring more awareness to the issue of mental health. And even though I'm not quite sure how walking and raising money go together, I plan to do both in the name of awareness.
My goal is to raise $500 and your donation would be greatly appreciated. Whatever you can give helps! Do it in the name of a loved one who suffers from mental illness, for Robin, for awareness or because you just plain want to.
Donate here.
The walk is Saturday, Sept. 27th. Look for a post with pics from the event shortly thereafter!

"Not all those who wander are lost" J. R. R.Tolkien